The past three days have been the most exciting days of my life. Thus, one more happy story with you. Yesterday’s story was nothing fancy. It was simple but really special; that I was finally able to reflect on many things about how to make meaning of my life, how to understand and behave when what I want is different from what you want, and about how we, me and you, try our best to dismantle the invisible walls of ego in the space of the heart.
It is true that a relationship cannot be separated from suffering, sacrifice, tiredness and boredom. That’s why I realize that both me and you each suffer to silence the ego, leaving an empty space in the heart so that love and care can be occupied to understand and support each other. I recognize that you have more experience than me. I realize that behind the charming smile on your face, there are so many wounds that you have experienced as you grow older.
I am also aware that there are moments where I often disappoint you, make you sad, angry and disappointed because of the turmoil of my young blood to fight against the ideology that binds and shackles me or also because of impulsive impulses that arise suddenly due to unsatisfied childhood experiences, or also because of the impulse of desire that always asks to be satisfied but does not materialize. For every single thing that made you feel torn, I apologize. One thing you need to know is that it all happened honestly, without the mask of drama and hypocrisy. Everything happened spontaneously without any black scenario behind it.
I’m grateful to know you. I am grateful to have met you. Because of you I learned to fast from harsh words. Because of you I fast from sadness and I strive to create joy. Because of you I fasted from anger, hate and resentment. Yes I strive to be patient so that you too can find a safe and comfortable place in me.
I’ve been through a lot with you. The ups and downs, the adventures of visiting places of cultural and religious value and the physical entertainment have been great fun. I am happy that we are not dominating each other but complementing and supporting each other. This was apparent at the time, when we first set foot on the land of Mojokerto where the largest kingdom in Indonesia once existed, the Majapahit Kingdom. Because of you, I came to know a lot about history, culture, tradition, religion and even the political situation that shaped people’s way of thinking.
And even when things weren’t okay, you were always there to add color, without coercion or justification, without accusation or acting like many men older than me who tend to be normative and rigid, who still think that a single, definitive truth is a form of absolute certainty.
You are different, and I am grateful for every moment that has happened and will always happen with unexpected but very happy stories. Now you are not here. I realize that this emptiness is an agony where in your real absence this longing will never find an answer. I know that there are times when we need to be apart to know what longing means. We need to be apart to understand that how tight is the connectivity between me and you.
This is the story I’ve written for you. It’s not overly romantic, nor is it a glorification because you’re different. This is just an expression of my feelings that do not require validation from anyone. I dedicate this sincerity to you with a belief that our togetherness happens because of the humility to respect each other’s personalities.